Episode 35. Navigating Newlywed Life: Insights with Emilee and Hunter Ray
Navigating the uncharted waters of marriage can be both exhilarating and challenging for newlyweds. In this enlightening episode of Marriage iQ, we bridge the generational gap by bringing together us as seasoned marriage experts, with our daughter Emilee and son-in-law Hunter Ray, who are approaching their first wedding anniversary.
This unique intergenerational dialogue offers a blend of time-tested wisdom and fresh perspectives on the complexities of modern relationships. As we engage in a candid question-and-answer session, we explore a range of topics crucial for building a strong foundation in marriage.
Key insights for newlyweds include navigating in-law relationships, finding financial harmony, balancing busy schedules, and prioritizing intimacy. From our Gen Z couple, we learn about managing social media, overcoming comparisons, navigating hormonal changes, and building lasting memories.
-
[00:00:02 - 00:00:08]
Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:30]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence mixed.[00:00:30 - 00:00:31]
With a little fun.[00:00:34 - 00:01:24]
Hello, everybody, and welcome to another exciting episode of Marriage IQ. Today we have some really exciting guests with us, and we hope you love them just as much as we do. We have our daughter Emily with us and her husband Hunter. They are newlyweds of one year almost. We just thought it would be a lot of fun to have a question and answer session this week where newlyweds can ask more experienced parents some questions, give them some advice, some different perspectives. Then, as parents, we get to ask them questions because they certainly have wisdom of their own from growing up in a different era.[00:01:24 - 00:01:38]
Two answers from two different generations. We see how we're the same and how we're different. I would love to talk about our little escapade last night.[00:01:39 - 00:01:40]
Okay.[00:01:40 - 00:01:42]
We went to this wedding, right?[00:01:42 - 00:01:43]
Son of some friends.[00:01:43 - 00:02:05]
Yeah. And they're from Mexico. So this cultural wedding, it was, for me, just a wonderful experience. I remember them dancing last night, and the combination of the woman in the wedding dress, the man in his suit, and how they came together was so touching. I think we both ended up crying. It was really magical.[00:02:08 - 00:02:23]
That reminds us of just a year ago when the two of you got married, Emily and Hunter. And that was very magical. Also opening a new door and walking through rituals that are just really beautiful and symbolic.[00:02:23 - 00:02:24]
It was the best day of my life.[00:02:25 - 00:02:26]
Same here, definitely.[00:02:27 - 00:02:38]
So how about if we start first by introducing you to our listeners? You can tell them a little bit about both of you, how you got together and where you are, what you're doing now.[00:02:39 - 00:02:52]
Sounds good. I will go first. So I am Emily, daughter of Scott and Heidi. I just graduated from college with my undergrad, and I just started my master's program in social work.[00:02:52 - 00:02:52]
So.[00:02:52 - 00:02:53]
So, yeah.[00:02:54 - 00:03:11]
Nice. My name is Hunter. I am the son in law of Heidi and Scott Hastings, the doctors. I am still a college student. I'm in my last year studying exercise and wellness. The plan is to go to a grad school in doctor of occupational therapy. But we'll see where the future brings us.[00:03:11 - 00:03:12]
Yeah.[00:03:12 - 00:03:20]
Hunter, there are a couple of interesting things about you and your background that are always fascinating for people to hear about.[00:03:21 - 00:03:50]
So I was born in Vladivostok, Russia, right over by Northern China and Korea. And my parents, for whatever reason, couldn't have kids, so they adopted me and one other Russian baby who is now my brother. And we moved from the coldest place on earth in Russia to the quite literal, hottest place on earth in Mesa, Arizona. So that's where I grew up. I've been going to school for the last couple years. So I moved out and got married to a pretty awesome young lady. And now we're. Yeah, now we're here. So that's my background.[00:03:50 - 00:03:51]
We think she's pretty awesome.[00:03:51 - 00:04:20]
Yeah, she's pretty cool. You do? We want to turn some time over to you to ask questions. We taught Emily a lot growing up about marriage, especially during my graduate school years. Maybe there were things that we taught you that didn't really sink in because you weren't faced with the situations right then, or maybe there are things that you grew up with and Hunter grew up with different ideas and trying to meld those two. So let's turn the time over to you, and you can.[00:04:20 - 00:04:38]
We had a lot of fun this morning. Just a lot of laughs, a lot of discussion just coming from two generations and how we think about things a little bit differently. And hopefully this can be helpful for all of us, for all of our listeners, too, to get just some perspective from the younger generation and from us.[00:04:39 - 00:04:49]
And for our younger listeners to see the value in being able to talk to parents or to somebody else that you feel has some good marriage sense and get some perspectives.[00:04:49 - 00:05:14]
Yeah, I think that's great. And I feel really grateful coming from two parents where they really talked about marriage a lot. And it's been fun to work with Hunter in this during our 10 months, 11 months together married, and we still have so much to learn, but it has been just such a blast, starting as friends and then turning into lovers and creating our life together. So, yeah, we're excited to ask lots of questions.[00:05:15 - 00:05:16]
The circle of life.[00:05:20 - 00:06:06]
So the first thing that came to mind with thinking about what has started new because we have started our life together, is we adopted this whole other family into our lives. And I feel so grateful for the relationship I have with Hunter's family, parents and siblings, but it is definitely something that I'm unfamiliar with. You know, I'm used to the way that you guys raised me, and not that any way is right and any way is wrong. It's just different. So I'm curious to know what advice you guys have on navigating relationships with in laws and anything that might come along with that.[00:06:07 - 00:06:10]
That's a really great question. Can I start that one?[00:06:10 - 00:06:11]
Sure.[00:06:11 - 00:06:44]
I think one rule that we set for ourselves when we first entered this part of life was I am not to speak poorly of his family to him in any way. And he likewise can't say bad things about any of my family members because then I get my defenses up and it pits us against each other when that's not really the issue. Starting out, being really respectful, letting each other talk about frustrations that we may have with family members, but not ever doing that.[00:06:44 - 00:06:50]
I think that's why we had one of our bathrooms decked out with extra padding so we could beat the walls.[00:06:50 - 00:06:50]
Right.[00:06:52 - 00:06:56]
I can't tell you these things. So I just go in and beat the walls. Yeah, they come out. I'm okay.[00:06:56 - 00:06:59]
There we go. We're joking.[00:07:00 - 00:07:02]
I love your family.[00:07:02 - 00:07:14]
We both have great families and we're very lucky with that. But I think that has kept our relationship surrounding in laws really positive. Yeah, but that's not to say it's always perfect.[00:07:15 - 00:07:24]
Well, and just to remember too, like, you didn't marry your in laws. Right. You married your spouse. And we'll keep it that way.[00:07:24 - 00:07:44]
And I think we always have made it a priority to make good relationships with our in laws. We can look at what they do or why they do it with curiosity and with respect and realize what might look strange or different in a negative way is actually just a different way.[00:07:44 - 00:07:59]
And speaking of in laws, I think that spouses who may not be as emotionally mature may be tempted to reach out to their respective parents. And then you start this collusion pattern.[00:07:59 - 00:08:01]
To talk negatively about their spouse.[00:08:01 - 00:08:17]
That's not gonna be a positive thing. Let's say you call your mom and talk to her about your husband, or vice versa. It needs to be together if you're going to speak to parents in laws. You come together about a problem, about.[00:08:17 - 00:08:55]
An issue that matters, about an issue within the marriage. And from the perspective of parents who have children who are married. It's really important for us to stay out of your business unless you're asking for our opinion. We've had to try to be really mindful to let you two make your own decisions. There are things certainly that we would like, but if we put shame on you or pressure on you when you have outside things that we may not understand, that's setting you up, not in a good way to have a relationship with us. So don't keep inserting yourself in the marriage of newlyweds.[00:08:55 - 00:09:03]
We talk about identity too. It's so weird when I go see my Parents, I'll kind of slip back into my old role is that son.[00:09:03 - 00:09:04]
Right.[00:09:04 - 00:09:12]
And it's weird, I start doing everything my mom says and I'm like, whoa, wait a minute. You had to remind me you're married to me, right?[00:09:12 - 00:09:14]
And he's like, oh, yeah, sorry.[00:09:14 - 00:09:20]
So then the intelligent spouse remembers this. Like you have your own marital identity.[00:09:20 - 00:09:21]
It's separate from your parents.[00:09:21 - 00:09:23]
Separate from your parents.[00:09:23 - 00:09:47]
Yeah. That's really good because this past year Emily and I ended up actually moving back to Arizona for a couple months and we had to live with my family. But that kind of answered the question about like what boundaries you should set with your spouse about falling back into that old family blueprint. Just because what's important is you didn't marry your in laws or you didn't marry your parents. And the most important person in your life should be your spouse. And that's who you should prioritize. And that can be revolve around.[00:09:47 - 00:09:58]
That can be hard too, right? That can be hard for a newlywed. Like, oh my gosh, I can't like rely on my parents. You need to establish your own marital identity.[00:09:58 - 00:10:01]
It can be hard for people who've been married for decades.[00:10:01 - 00:10:01]
That's true.[00:10:01 - 00:10:11]
Let's be honest. And if that isn't started when you're newlyweds, you're setting bad patterns that are going to come back to really create problems in your marriage later.[00:10:11 - 00:10:26]
Yeah, I guess. Do you have any other advice on that? How do you take a preventative stance? Because that's all you've ever known. So you just go back to what you know and how do you set those boundaries, those limits?[00:10:26 - 00:10:32]
You listen to Marriage IQ, you learn about identity and being intentional.[00:10:33 - 00:11:09]
Well, I can see why you moved in with your parents to save some money for the summer for school this next year. It is really common for people to do that, but it makes it really difficult to hang on to your own identity. So if you are in that shared space, just creating spaces that are your own where you don't come in and out. When we first got married, I was living in my parents basement apartment and people come and go as much as they want. And one of the very first things Scott did is closed and locked the door. And he said if you want to come, either you can knock or you can go around through the garage to the other door.[00:11:09 - 00:11:13]
That was not met very fondly, but.[00:11:13 - 00:11:17]
It was wise because in reality we needed that space.[00:11:18 - 00:11:18]
I'm wise.[00:11:18 - 00:11:34]
You're very welcome. Yeah. So having that space and putting the Boundaries around your time. This is our time that we can focus on us without becoming enmeshed with the full family.[00:11:34 - 00:11:42]
Okay, so our next question is. Emily and I, we tend to disagree a lot of times on money, just as a lot of newlywed couples do.[00:11:42 - 00:11:42]
Right.[00:11:42 - 00:11:52]
She comes to me saying that we. We never have enough money and that we're, you know, that we're going to be homeless. And oh, my gosh, we're digging so much into savings.[00:11:52 - 00:11:55]
I don't even know. Take some pictures and send them to me.[00:11:55 - 00:11:57]
I don't say we're homeless.[00:11:57 - 00:11:59]
I want to see your tent.[00:11:59 - 00:12:00]
Yes.[00:12:00 - 00:12:02]
Sleeping bag on the street.[00:12:02 - 00:12:03]
Yeah. By the Walmart.[00:12:03 - 00:12:05]
And you have a savings, you said?[00:12:05 - 00:12:24]
We do. Yeah, we have. We have a good amount of money. And I. I think, honestly, we probably have more than a lot of other couples do. And so we tend to get in some disagreements and some discussions about how we should spend our money. So I guess my question is, how would you recommend we approach budgeting and finance and, like, how we can stay together in that.[00:12:24 - 00:13:04]
That's a really great question also, because when you can come together on your finances, that is one of the very most important first ways to share power, one of the first ways to have joint decision making. And the fact that you don't see it eye to eye right now kind of makes me cheer inside. That's really good because that means you're talking about it. Right. Couples who aren't talking about it turn more to contention instead of, I have one opinion and you have another opinion. They're going to be seeing it as my way is right and yours isn't, and I'm good and you're bad. Sure. So that's a positive thing.[00:13:04 - 00:13:43]
So I'm a big stickler for sitting down and planning being intentional. Again, one of our four cornerstones. You plan together what that budget is going to look like. And I know we talked earlier today about, you don't budget everything. We think that you should. You already know what your rent is, you know what your utilities are. Basically, they all need to be in that budget. And sometimes it might take a while to figure it out and find a platform for a regular budget. We use Monarch. I know it costs money, but it works perfectly for us. There's a lot of different budgets out there.[00:13:43 - 00:13:46]
Or even graph paper and a pencil.[00:13:46 - 00:13:52]
Yeah. If you want to just start with a spreadsheet and then just track that. We do that weekly because Monarch has.[00:13:52 - 00:13:56]
An app that downloads all of our expenses.[00:13:56 - 00:14:30]
So we were able to update it like Every week and say, okay, this is how much we have in this category, let's say for groceries, for travel, for clothes. So we're both aware we credit Dave Ramsey really for this. To be honest, every dollar has a name. And if you treat it that way, you're going to be really smart about your finances. Sometimes it takes. It took us a long time to figure it out, and it just reduces those opportunities for conflict when you're both on the same page, you both sit down together, you talk about it, and it's every week.[00:14:31 - 00:14:50]
We also look at our finances from a yearly perspective. We're like, okay, Christmas is coming in December. We've got 12 months to save for it. So every single month we have put away money that comes out for it. So it's never like we're stressed. We're not going to have enough.[00:14:50 - 00:15:00]
We've planned ahead and our lives are so abundant we can take 10% of what we make and put it toward investing in our future in retirement or.[00:15:00 - 00:15:02]
Paying our future selves, putting it in.[00:15:02 - 00:15:06]
Like an index fund vanguard or whatever every month.[00:15:06 - 00:15:14]
On the topic of finances, I do have to say both partners come to a marriage with two different experiences with money.[00:15:15 - 00:15:17]
Respect your spouse's financial history.[00:15:17 - 00:15:18]
Yeah, exactly.[00:15:18 - 00:15:20]
With their family of origin.[00:15:20 - 00:15:34]
And the best way to respect it, I think, is to talk about it and say, okay, I think this is where my feelings are coming from towards money. But then be able to say, is it real? Is it realistic? And then move through it.[00:15:34 - 00:16:06]
Thank you so much for that advice. I think that's a really good perspective, something to consider. And I know that every couple is also different. So it doesn't necessarily mean what you guys do is going to be what works for us. Especially because you guys are developed 28 years in and Hunter and I are almost hitting a year. I don't know. Especially because there's so much uncertainty in this phase of life that we're in right now. I think the advice that you guys gave is great and we'll find something together too.[00:16:06 - 00:16:09]
Yeah, Just maybe even a happy medium somewhere, you know?[00:16:09 - 00:16:09]
Yeah.[00:16:09 - 00:17:26]
Thank you. Okay, so the next question that I was thinking of is how the phase of life we're in right now is we are both full time students, we both have one or two jobs each and it is exhausting. And so when I get home, all I want to do because for my work, I work in an alternative high school and then my social work internship. So I'm talking and just emotionally drained every day and then I have to come home do homework. And so sometimes all I want to do is sit on the couch and do nothing. And I know that isn't the most fun, especially for Hunter, who is someone who is really physically active and loves doing anything and everything. So what have you guys found that can be some maybe lower energy activities that couples can do to entertain themselves or something? So it's not like once we get together, we just sit on the couch and do nothing, but something that we can still do together to engage in quality time together that doesn't seem completely daunting because of how exhausted we are.[00:17:26 - 00:17:27]
Can I answer this?[00:17:27 - 00:17:28]
Yeah.[00:17:28 - 00:18:01]
So we spent many, many years not going to the movies. We watch them rarely here and there because we're always so busy. But I learned recently that I enjoy watching some movies and I enjoy watching them with my lovely spouse. And at first, she didn't really like that idea. She's like, there's so many other things we can do. We can talk to each other, we can cuddle, we can discuss things, and, you know, we can go on a walk.[00:18:01 - 00:18:07]
Because I had nobody to talk to all day. The last thing I want to do is sit and not do something. Yes, exactly.[00:18:07 - 00:19:04]
So here's how we handled this. I said, I really actually like watching movies with you. Even if we don't talk, it's the weirdest thing. We'll sit there together, we can cuddle on the sofa and connect really deeply without actually talking. And it's really fulfilling for me. And it's also relaxing. I don't have to think someone else has thought about the plot. I just need to relax and enjoy it. And I came to her and I said, this is important to me. And so she said, okay. And then we did. We sat down, we became intentional about, when are we going to plan this? So we have Wednesday night as movie night. We know what's happening. There's no question. And so that really reduces the chance of getting our feelings hurt or having a misunderstanding. Then we both found that we do enjoy that.[00:19:04 - 00:19:15]
See, that's impressive that you guys can go a whole movie just sitting and not talking. Because Emily asks who every character is and what they do and what the end of the movie is, even though I've never seen it either.[00:19:15 - 00:19:18]
Okay, so that does tell me she wants to talk.[00:19:18 - 00:19:18]
Yes.[00:19:18 - 00:19:51]
So maybe watching movies every night is not a good idea. But one thing that we. I wish that we had done when we were your age, for many years, I was in charge of making dinner, and it would be on the table whenever Scott got home. Or sometimes shortly after he got home. Now, I don't do any dinner prep until he gets there and then we do it together. So our time in the kitchen, we're talking while we're cutting vegetables, while we're cooking food, it's so much more delightful, a lot of vegetables than making.[00:19:52 - 00:19:53]
Just saying one day.[00:19:54 - 00:20:06]
It's a lot more delightful than just making dinner by myself. And we turn on some Louis and Ella, which makes it especially fun, actually. We might do a little dancing while we're in the kitchen.[00:20:06 - 00:20:11]
A little correction here, my love. Louis and Ella's Saturday morning breakfast. It's Frank Sinatra.[00:20:11 - 00:20:13]
Frank Sinatra during the week. That's it.[00:20:13 - 00:20:16]
Yep. Weeknights, making dinner, Frank Sinatra.[00:20:17 - 00:20:34]
And we talk about political events or current events or we talk about his day or my day. And all of those things are very connecting. They don't take a lot of energy. We also go on walks just to get out and moving and take some deep breaths of fresh air.[00:20:35 - 00:21:08]
That's fantastic. Another question that we had was we often have conversations with people at school and with people at work. We are around people of the opposite sex or gender all the time. And so we have talked a lot about how. What do we think the boundaries are on interacting with people of the opposite sex, not just at school or work, but in general, like having an old friend come and visit town or anything like that. So what advice do you have on how couples should approach that topic with boundaries with the opposite sex?[00:21:08 - 00:21:20]
Scott has to work all the time around other women, so I'm going to turn this one over to him and we decided these things together. But some of the things he has really implemented himself. So I'll let him speak to that.[00:21:20 - 00:21:23]
Well, I don't have any old friends, so that takes care of that one.[00:21:24 - 00:21:25]
Makes it easy.[00:21:26 - 00:21:31]
I guess I've alienated a lot of. I don't know, I. I think when we got married, it's never been an issue.[00:21:32 - 00:21:35]
He let a lot of relationships with women just go.[00:21:36 - 00:21:36]
Sure.[00:21:37 - 00:23:01]
So from the beginning, I don't know how I grew up or how I came. I don't know. But I have always thought about how this would look if somebody who didn't know just walked in. So every time I've worked somewhere, we started out when we're first married, I was in the hospital in the or that I would not have any kind of conversation with another woman unless it was business only. Not chatting in the break room just because I was so worried that someone would look at it as being inappropriate. And I didn't ever want that to happen. And moving forward, I have a rule. I do not drive a female alone at all, ever. In my car. We don't go out to lunch. Another female. There's just these boundaries I set from the beginning. I don't work late with another single female. Just don't. I mean, there's going through med school, going through residency, you know, in the hospital, A lot of these things can happen, and they do, actually. But for me, it's never been. That's never really been hard. It's just because I knew where that line was, and I didn't ever want to cross it.[00:23:01 - 00:23:33]
Yeah. And I feel like the big thing is just avoiding that emotional connection, even if you were old friends. Like, we kind of have that same role where we don't go out to lunch with. With just one other person of the opposite sex, or we don't drive somebody home of the opposite sex just because. I mean, even though we do trust each other fully with all that stuff, we want to avoid not only that emotional connection, but also the possibility of even putting yourself in that position. And so I think that's something that's super, super cool.[00:23:33 - 00:23:33]
Yeah.[00:23:33 - 00:23:34]
Yeah.[00:23:34 - 00:23:46]
Even he will put. Now, he can't do this necessarily with. With patients, but if it's anything outside of his work, he will put me on the text thread with somebody that he's talking with.[00:23:46 - 00:23:51]
Oh, yeah. If there's this. Yeah. If there's another female, I will automatically.[00:23:51 - 00:23:56]
Add her in, say, hey, I'm just going to add my wife on here. Yep, we're a couple.[00:23:57 - 00:24:35]
That's good. And I know that everyone has different boundaries, and it might work differently with a different couple, but, yeah, we were really curious on your advice, because I think something that's really important to both me and Hunter is just kind of what you were saying, dad, of giving that if anyone were to walk in, there's never an interpretation that something else is going on. We really want to make it known how much we truly love each other and never have anyone be like, hmm, is something going on here? So that's one of our core values, is just loyalty and respect to the other person.[00:24:35 - 00:24:36]
I like it.[00:24:36 - 00:24:37]
Ooh. Very good.[00:24:38 - 00:24:55]
Okay. One thing we just wanted to quickly ask. Sometimes it feels like there isn't sufficient time with school and work and depending on your phase of life, Life is just always busy, no matter what. How do you make sexual intimacy a priority?[00:24:56 - 00:24:58]
Sex? You take it.[00:24:59 - 00:25:15]
Again, something that I wish that we would have understood when we were your age. Is that scheduled Sex is really a good way to do it. Gottman, the relationship king, in my mind, very much is a proponent of this.[00:25:16 - 00:25:17]
That's so boring.[00:25:17 - 00:26:01]
Scheduling your sex, it is vital to keep it high on the list of things that are a priority. We put the things that are important to us high as a priority. That might include going to the gym. It might include going to class. It might include going to the grocery store. This is one of the best ways for couples to connect intimately on a very deep level. And if it's not put in the schedule, then that's hard to keep it up there on the priority, especially as kids come. A lot of times kids will become the priority, but making the marriage a priority in this way is important. Anything to add?[00:26:01 - 00:26:09]
Yeah, no, I think what you said is just true. Scheduled sex is highly sexy, and we highly recommend it.[00:26:09 - 00:26:11]
And it can be done in different ways to add variety.[00:26:12 - 00:26:16]
Put it on the calendar, be intentional with that.[00:26:17 - 00:26:32]
I feel like that works in marriages and relationships with different sexual desires, too, just because I know that a lot of people have different sex drives. And I feel like that could work if you schedule it out and so that both people are aware that this is gonna happen. I feel like that can make it easier for a lot of couples.[00:26:32 - 00:26:39]
That's a great point, because when you have to make the decision every time, a lot of times it's gonna be like, mm, I don't feel like it.[00:26:39 - 00:26:40]
Yeah, not feeling it today or.[00:26:41 - 00:26:48]
But if the decision is already made and you proceed, the desire often will then follow.[00:26:48 - 00:27:06]
And the higher, lower sexual desire, partner, it does change during a lifetime, and it depends on how that's interpreted and defined. So it's not always the man, it's not always the woman. And that's important to recognize. Now, we want to ask you guys some questions.[00:27:06 - 00:27:07]
Oh, yeah.[00:27:07 - 00:27:25]
Burning, Burning the younger generation. Now that we've laid it on thick, we're going to hear from your experience as newlyweds. Just some things that I thought we both thought of, that maybe we don't deal with as much in our generation. One of them being social media.[00:27:25 - 00:27:29]
Yeah, that was not there for most of our marriage.[00:27:29 - 00:27:33]
I mean, social media can be all consuming in your free time.[00:27:33 - 00:27:40]
Maybe that's the answer to the last question about how do you make time for sexual intimacy is get rid of social media.[00:27:40 - 00:27:51]
Yeah, that's probably not very likely. Just how do you deal with it? Like, do you have times that you use it that you don't? How do you navigate a married life with social media?[00:27:51 - 00:27:53]
How do you put those boundaries in your marriage.[00:27:53 - 00:29:04]
So that is something that we've had to take time to figure out together. Because it really can be almost an unhealthy coping skill where if you're just numb and you just want to kind of disassociate, that is often something people do. Or they open their phone and their thumb just automatically goes to click on social media. And that's just what it is. And so it's been really hard because Hunter and I want to be intentional with the time that we have together because it's not a lot of time. It's mostly just in the evenings and the weekends. So sometimes if we find ourselves just sitting on the same couch on our phones, we just have to have a reality check, like, what are we doing? Like, get off the phone, let's go do something or do something together. And so some ways we've done that is we've both actually set time limits on social media. In the apps or on phone settings. You can just set a. Set a timer, a 15 minute timer. And some days it might be longer, some days it might be less. But just so we can be accountable and aware of the time that we're actually spending.[00:29:04 - 00:29:06]
Yeah, that sounds intentional.[00:29:06 - 00:29:43]
Yeah. And then over the summer, we actually decided just to delete all of social media for a month because not only does it take a lot of time, it's hard. Like it does nothing good for your mental health. And I am a true believer of that because at least for me, I'm just comparing myself all day long. I'm sure for Hunter, there's a lot of that going on. No matter what it is, body type or money or whatever, it's like it does nothing good for me. And so just being aware, like, okay, this is not a good thing if I can't eliminate it completely. Let's just at least shorten it.[00:29:43 - 00:30:00]
Yeah. Social media is. It can be used as a, like a fantastic tool, but unfortunately, almost never is. It's become, like she said, a super unhealthy coping mechanism. Our brains now, nowadays, they always need to be focused on something. Like, you can't just sit in silence. That's where the mindfulness and the meditation come on.[00:30:00 - 00:30:03]
Actually, you can, Hunter, that you talk.[00:30:03 - 00:30:20]
About all the time. But one thing that helps is for my home screen, if I see it, I'm more likely to click on it. And so what I do is I take it off of my home screen and hide the app. So you would actually have to search up the app to look for it. To get on the app. So for Instagram, for example, that's what I do.[00:30:20 - 00:30:25]
Or just getting on it on your computer, like not having the actual app. I know, we've done that too.[00:30:25 - 00:30:40]
Yeah. Because scrolling is such an addicting thing and everybody is guilty of doing it every once in a while. And so doing it on your computer only, or hiding your app and only setting a 15, 25 minute timer a day just. It makes a huge difference.[00:30:40 - 00:31:15]
That's really. That's great. I have a question that's related to that. When we were young, we lived near 20 or 30 other med school couples and their young children. And it made it really hard to compare ourselves and our situation with other people's on a lot of different fronts. But with social media, Emily, you brought up, that's especially difficult. How have you, besides cutting off social media, been able to navigate comparisons with others?[00:31:16 - 00:31:21]
Like trying not to compare yourself or just finding yourself comparing yourself to other couples.[00:31:22 - 00:31:22]
Right.[00:31:22 - 00:31:31]
Yeah. More than anything, I just, I have to become self aware and it's just something that has to happen inside of me.[00:31:31 - 00:31:32]
That's insightful.[00:31:32 - 00:31:55]
Yeah. Just self aware and say, okay. Because if we think about it, people really post like a lot of the exciting parts. Oh, I'm pregnant. Oh, we just bought our new house. Right. All of these exciting things. It's very rare. People show, like, the harder parts. I think that's starting to become a little bit more popular in social media is like saying, hey, it's not all hunky dory.[00:31:55 - 00:31:56]
Yeah.[00:31:56 - 00:32:25]
But I've just kind of had to stop posting. Like, my life doesn't revolve around posting all of the good moments about me and Hunter anymore. And so I just have to think, okay, they have struggles too, and it might be different than ours, but it's just, I have to continually tell myself this isn't real. Hunter has to tell me that all the time. When I'm crying in movies, she's bawling.[00:32:25 - 00:32:42]
And I'm like, it's fake. It's not a real movie. This is Finding Nemo. But no, absolutely. Comparison, especially with the younger generation, is something that's always gonna be around, you know, always needs to be bigger, always needs to be better. More money, more happiness, you know, everything like that.[00:32:42 - 00:32:44]
But it's universally negative. It's not positive.[00:32:44 - 00:33:36]
Right. It's almost never like. Or if it is, it's negative towards other people. Like, I'm you, I have more money than you, and you put yourself on a pedestal of other people. And so one thing that I Like, to think about is it's just three words, and it's see the good. And so we can see all these trials and stuff that other people are going through, that we are comparing our trials to their triumphs on social media. But if we really just sit down and take a second to appreciate exactly what we have, like, we have a place to live. We both have jobs. We're both in school. And in the future, we will have solid jobs, like a social worker, a therapist, or whatever you want to do. And so it's just seeing the good and appreciating what you have instead of wishing that you had more that's like, the truth to happiness, especially as a new couple and just, you know, loving your spouse for who they are and not for what you wish they were.[00:33:37 - 00:33:37]
Golden.[00:33:37 - 00:33:38]
Yeah.[00:33:38 - 00:33:39]
You will go far, my man.[00:33:41 - 00:34:02]
Yeah. Something I just wanted to add is I noticed that I usually get in that mindset when Hunter is away at work and I'm home alone and I have nothing else to do. Well, I'm sure I do, but just go on social media, and that's where I go into this rabbit hole of comparison. And so I think just setting something for myself or being with Hunter, it's easier for me to not go down that hole.[00:34:03 - 00:34:05]
All right, that's really great.[00:34:05 - 00:34:28]
Okay, so here's one that is probably not talked about very often, and I would like your wisdom to other young couples. We didn't talk about it often, but how do you work with and navigate menstrual cycles and hormones in a way that doesn't pit you against each other, but that can draw you closer to each other?[00:34:28 - 00:34:30]
I'll let Hunter take this one.[00:34:30 - 00:34:31]
Yes.[00:34:31 - 00:34:33]
Menstrual cycles.[00:34:33 - 00:35:29]
Yes. Okay, so Emily is one of those girls who has a period once a month, which tends to be a normal thing, but she just has that routine of where she just gets, like, extra emotional and a little bit moody, and sometimes she can be a little bit bossy and grouchy. But I always keep it in the back of my mind that everybody goes through that, you know? And she is having an especially hard time this week because she's in immense amount of physical pain. And I'm not the type of person to enjoy being in physical pain, so. And I am usually grumpy when my back hurts or my neck hurts or something like that. And so I always just try to keep it in the back of my mind that she is struggling underneath the surface. And if she is a little bit more emotional or if she's a little Bit more grouchy, then there's a reason for that. And it's not because of me. It's because of her body. And so, yeah, I try to take that with a grain of salt, but, yeah. Do you have anything to add to that?[00:35:29 - 00:35:30]
You take her perspective?[00:35:30 - 00:35:32]
I do, yeah. I try to.[00:35:32 - 00:35:36]
Hunter is the most incredible man I've ever met in my entire life.[00:35:37 - 00:35:39]
Wait, no, I know.[00:35:39 - 00:35:42]
Sorry, dad, you've been bumped to number two.[00:35:42 - 00:35:44]
Dang, that is harsh.[00:35:45 - 00:36:27]
But he is just so compassionate and so kind and so understanding. Especially because for me, it's pretty rough. It sometimes is two weeks or twice a month. I have not been blessed with the easy side of menstrual cycles. But Hunter is just so kind and loving. And if I'm in pain, I don't even have to say anything. He just goes and turns on the water to start a bath and he covers it in little Epsom salts and gets me some water and some Ben and Jerry's ice cream. And then he just sits outside of the bath with me as I'm just crying or dying in pain.[00:36:27 - 00:36:29]
But does he put flower petals in the bath water?[00:36:30 - 00:36:32]
I think women are going to be crying at that.[00:36:33 - 00:36:37]
I need to add some flower petals. That would be a good addition.[00:36:37 - 00:37:12]
It's like this mutual thing where we both know, okay, I'm not myself. So the things that I might say that seem out of pocket or rude, like he said, he takes that with a grain of salt and he's like, kate, this isn't you. And after it's over, I apologize. And I'm like, wow, I'm sorry I was a witch. But he is never disrespectful, unkind. He's very soft, soft spoken and tender and loving and just. He really cares for me that week of the month. And I feel like I don't deserve it because of how rude I am. But he's.[00:37:12 - 00:37:13]
What about the other three weeks?[00:37:14 - 00:37:15]
Yeah, come on.[00:37:16 - 00:37:23]
So has that kind of become a ritual for you that. That happens. But this is the protocol when it's that time of the month?[00:37:23 - 00:37:52]
Yeah. I mean, she doesn't even need to be on that. Like, on her period. Like, if she's just having a really rough day or something like that. Like, I. I have those things. Emily came or. I don't know if she came up with it or if she read it somewhere, but we use this thing called the bullseye. And so if you have a really bad day, the other person would ask, like, what would be a bullseye for you? And that would be the thing that you want most or that would cheer you up most. And if that's not attainable, you move out to the next ring of the target. And so.[00:37:52 - 00:37:53]
So give us an example.[00:37:53 - 00:38:11]
For example, if she had a really hard day at work, and I asked her where Bullseye was, and she said, I want to go to Disneyland right now. That probably would not be a super attainable thing at that moment. And so then I would ask her, like, what's next? And then she would move to a much cheaper option like Ben and Jerry's.[00:38:11 - 00:38:19]
And most of the time, it's raspberry chocolate milk from Dutch Bros. And so he's like, I will be right back.[00:38:19 - 00:38:21]
Yeah, I come back in 10 minutes, and.[00:38:21 - 00:38:40]
And then it just shows that he's there for me. Like, he wants me to be happy and that he loves me, and it was a sacrifice for him. And so we are really good at. I think it's Tammy Fakrell is her name. She was the one who presented the idea on Bullseyes and just like, okay, what will help you feel better in this moment? And so that kind of helps when we're both feeling pretty emotional.[00:38:40 - 00:38:43]
And what are some of your Bullseyes, Hunter?[00:38:43 - 00:39:03]
A lot of times, it's just doing the things that I need to do mentally. And so, like, for example, if I didn't get a chance to go to the gym that day or something, I would say, maybe I can go to the gym for a little bit and just work out or go golfing. That has, you know, in the summers and the falls. That was a huge one. And I feel bad because it's a.[00:39:03 - 00:39:06]
And evidently, you like going to Applebee's.[00:39:06 - 00:39:08]
Exactly, guys. Applebee's.[00:39:08 - 00:39:12]
Every day, Applebee's is sponsoring this podc.[00:39:12 - 00:39:18]
Give the background on that one, Emily. No, I think she needs to give it at least a minute.[00:39:18 - 00:39:54]
So Christmas last year, before Hunter and I got married, my dad was in charge of getting me some gift cards for Christmas. So he goes to the store, and Christmas morning, I open them, and it. It was. It was precious. I open up Home Depot. I'm like, oh, wow. Okay. Never. Never been there. But I'm going to use this gift card. Domino's, Subway, you know, all of the classic ones. And then Applebee's just looked. I looked up at my mom, and she's just, like, shaking her head because I've never stepped foot in an Applebee's in my life.[00:39:54 - 00:39:55]
Fancy. Like Applebee's.[00:39:55 - 00:40:01]
And my dad is. Every time we come to Visit or call him. He's like, have you guys used the gift card yet?[00:40:01 - 00:40:05]
And we ended up losing it. Or losing it, which is the worst part, because we.[00:40:05 - 00:40:06]
We'll find it.[00:40:06 - 00:40:06]
Yeah, we were trying.[00:40:06 - 00:40:08]
We tried going last week, but I'm.[00:40:08 - 00:40:10]
Cutting you out of my will, FYI.[00:40:11 - 00:40:22]
So when you ask your husband to go run an errand for you, like get the gifts for Christmas, just keep in mind he's going to have different perspectives of what would be valuable than you do. Yeah. All right, last question.[00:40:22 - 00:40:31]
Last question here, guys. What moments are you making together right now that you can look back fondly 40 years from now?[00:40:32 - 00:40:57]
That is a great question. We have a lot of things that we do together that we will remember forever. One of which has been really important to me was we would go on picnics every Friday together, and we would just spend that time and talk and sit in the sun and eat our very humble food. And we. We loved it so much that we actually even went to a candle making place for. For a date, and we made a candle that we both liked called Friday picnics.[00:40:57 - 00:40:59]
And so, so precious.[00:40:59 - 00:41:13]
Yeah, Just little moments like that where we can make memories and. And keep them in our hearts so that we can, you know, go back to those things if our life ever gets super boring or stressful or anything like that, that we could just go on, you know, a little another Friday picnic. But what else do you think?[00:41:13 - 00:41:47]
Something else that we have adopted from marriage IQ is couples counsel. And we started that at the beginning of our marriage. And every Sunday we get together and we just talk about a lot of things. Our calendaring and goals and meal planning, and also the things that happened that week so we're able to look back. You know, I just imagine us 40 years from now pulling out the notebook and just seeing like, oh, this is the day we went to this concert, or this is when this big thing happened or when I got in grad school or whatever.[00:41:47 - 00:41:49]
It was memories. Yeah.[00:41:49 - 00:42:09]
Yeah. Another thing I would say is we've spent a lot of time doing hard things together. Like over the summer, Hunter and I picked up a little side gig of cleaning these huge, like, oh, no, like 8, 10, 12 bed Airbnbs. Like huge Airbnbs.[00:42:09 - 00:42:09]
Yeah.[00:42:09 - 00:42:32]
And between the two of us, it took so much time, and oftentimes it was so exhausting, but just so that we could pocket that cash for a date night or for a trip or something where we've just had to work hard together to do things, I feel like we'll look back on that and just say, look, all this work we had to do for this little thing and that's amazing.[00:42:32 - 00:42:35]
And one day we can make our kids clean our 8 and 10 bedroom.[00:42:35 - 00:43:34]
Airbnb's love it, but that's so fun. Well, you two are delightful and we do want to let our listeners know that they can watch for a coming podcast called Newlywed IQ that Emily and Hunter Ray are going to be the co hosts of. And if you're young listeners, hopefully tune in and listen for that to come. If you're older listeners, hopefully you can share that with your kids. But they're funny. They're hilarious. They are really lively and they have really good marriage and therapy advice too, I'm guessing once you're through that social work program. So that's something great that you want to watch for. If you want to know when that will be coming, we invite you to go to our website marriageiq.com and sign up for our newsletter where you can be in tune with all of our latest episodes, as well as great news about Newlywed IQ and other courses that we might have coming up.[00:43:34 - 00:43:38]
So go subscribe and we hope you have a great week.[00:43:38 - 00:43:39]
Thanks everybody for being with us.[00:43:39 - 00:43:40]
Bye.[00:43:42 - 00:43:51]
And remember, the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.[00:43:51 - 00:44:17]
Thank you for tuning in to Marriage IQ. We hope today's episode has sparked some valuable insights. If you get the chance, we'd love to have you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen. It really helps us get the word out about Marriage IQ and we appreciate your support. Thanks again for listening. Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
