Episode 41. Libido Lab: Secrets to Unlocking Female Sexual Capacity
What really drives female desire? How does it differ from male sexuality? And why do so many myths about women’s libido still persist? In this eye-opening episode of Marriage IQ, we dive deep into the science of female sexual capacity—how it works, what influences it, and how couples can cultivate deeper intimacy and passion.
Drawing from groundbreaking research, including Dr. Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, we break down the key ingredients of female desire: emotional connection, safety, and true intimacy. We also tackle:
The truth about women’s libido (hint: it’s NOT just about hormones)
How societal conditioning impacts women’s sexual health and pleasure
Why emotional safety is the ultimate turn-on
Practical strategies for couples to enhance intimacy and deepen connection
Whether you’re looking to better understand your partner or gain deeper self-awareness, this episode will challenge what you think you know about female sexuality—and leave you with powerful tools to transform your relationship.
Listen now and start building a more fulfilling, connected, and passionate relationship!
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Welcome to Marriage iQ, the podcast for the intelligent spouse.[00:00:08 - 00:00:10]
I'm Dr. Heidi Hastings.[00:00:10 - 00:00:12]
And I'm Dr. Scott Hastings.[00:00:13 - 00:00:16]
We are two doctors, two researchers, two.[00:00:16 - 00:00:30]
Spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings coming together for one purpose. To transform the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones, using intelligence mixed.[00:00:30 - 00:00:31]
With a little fun.[00:00:34 - 00:01:57]
Hello, and welcome back, all you scintillating lovers out there. We are excited that you're coming back week after week to share in the joyous educational pursuit of marital intelligence, even if you're not married. Join us anyway, this could very well be a podcast on building your own personal emotional intelligence. But in reality, after years of looking at the human condition through dozens of formal lenses, we've concluded that the very best life, the highest form of true living, the zenith of living in ecstasy, involves two people embraced, intertwined, intermingled passionately, completely authentically, and devoted to each other for their entire lives. In other words, living your best life requires a spouse. Growing together in a marital union is indeed the biggest bang for your buck you'll ever have. And we are here, your humble hosts at Marriage iq, to help you do just that. Best of all, our podcast is totally free. That's right, free. All we ask is that you share this with two of your friends this next week. No money, just your word of mouth to two of your closest friends.[00:01:57 - 00:01:58]
That's a deal.[00:01:58 - 00:02:44]
All right. Today, we are busting myths and false assumptions using scientific research, which we love to do on this podcast, of course, and we are talking about the female sexual capacity. Many of you out there listening may find this entertaining. I mean, everyone knows that when it comes to sex, men are straightforward, like an arrow, very linear, very predictable. Picture in your mind a light switch with two options, off and on. Women, on the other hand, when it comes to sex, are like a hot plate of freshly prepared spaghetti. What, with marinara sauce.[00:02:44 - 00:02:46]
How did you come up with that?[00:02:47 - 00:02:49]
Violently. Splattered against the wall.[00:02:49 - 00:02:53]
Violently. Oh, my gosh.[00:02:54 - 00:02:59]
They're like a scatter plot of random knobs. Never switches, by the way, for those.[00:02:59 - 00:03:03]
Who aren't researchers, do you want to tell them what a scatter plot is?[00:03:03 - 00:03:08]
Well, just exactly how it sounds. A bunch of points scattered everywhere, randomly.[00:03:08 - 00:03:12]
There's no one straight line of everyone does it this way.[00:03:12 - 00:03:12]
That's correct.[00:03:12 - 00:03:13]
Okay.[00:03:13 - 00:03:30]
These dials, not switches, are constantly increasing or decreasing. Sadly, yeah, that's not a myth. And upon review of scientific literature on finding trends in female sexual capacity, it read kind of like a Rorschach test. It's Complicated.[00:03:30 - 00:03:38]
Well, let me just ask you this. Sadly. You mean sadly for men, right? That they can't understand women?[00:03:38 - 00:03:39]
For men, yes.[00:03:39 - 00:03:40]
Okay.[00:03:41 - 00:03:46]
And it proves, though, that every woman is uniquely unique.[00:03:47 - 00:03:48]
Okay.[00:03:48 - 00:03:50]
And they have every right to do so.[00:03:51 - 00:03:51]
That's right.[00:03:51 - 00:04:21]
But alas, it's not all bad men. We have found some general trends that we find very compelling. And for women, too. Let's first share one of our own experiences together on this subject. Oh, I guess too personal, right? Except for the fact that. What's the feeling? If I feel. If I feel. Statements, I feel left in the dust. Yeah.[00:04:23 - 00:05:05]
Women, have you ever thought or even said out loud, I just don't feel like having sex with my husband. I don't think about it ever. I love him, but I can't seem to get in the mood. It's like, there must be something wrong with me. If this is you and you are feeling shame or embarrassment or even frustrated about it, I want you to know that you are not alone. In fact, therapist Dr. Tasha Seider reports that 70% of women don't experience what she calls spontaneous sexual desire.[00:05:05 - 00:05:06]
What?[00:05:06 - 00:05:45]
Simply put, that means if your husband sees you bend over cleaning the toilet or changing a diaper, and out of the blue, he starts coming on to you sexually, you're not interested. Or it means that when you fall into bed exhausted at the end of the night and he's just getting revved up, you have a hard time feeling excited about that. Okay. So I do realize that there are other reasons why women wouldn't want sex, and that's a little bit simplistic and that they're having a hard time spontaneously responding to feeling that they're in the mood for sex.[00:05:45 - 00:05:45]
Okay.[00:05:46 - 00:05:50]
But that doesn't mean that something's wrong with you women.[00:05:50 - 00:05:52]
With me, it's good to hear.[00:05:52 - 00:06:04]
There is good news, ladies. You aren't broken. Your sexual desire is just different than men. That also doesn't mean that you don't want sex, though.[00:06:04 - 00:06:06]
You just may not know it.[00:06:06 - 00:06:15]
That's right. It just means your desire is sparked in a different way. Like cleaning toilets and changing diapers. I don't understand it, but if your.[00:06:15 - 00:06:18]
Husband cleans toilets and changes diapers.[00:06:18 - 00:06:20]
Yes. That something changes. Sparking it.[00:06:20 - 00:06:22]
That's something magic.[00:06:24 - 00:06:32]
That's the spark for women. Desires sparked by emotional connection and the slow build of intimacy.[00:06:33 - 00:06:34]
That slow burn.[00:06:34 - 00:07:43]
But there are a few problems that have perpetuated our lack of knowledge about healthy sexuality from a female perspective. First, most of the research on sex until recently has been done by Men. And from a men's perspective, that's true. Second, a lot of sexually curious and sexually active boys and men get their sex education from pornography. They're the ones that many women have relied on to teach them about sex. And pornography is not teaching healthy sexuality that promotes women's consent, proper sexual terminology, boundaries, intimacy, appropriate sexual communication, contraception, and probably most important to me, respect for women. Third, and it even gets worse, research shows that 30 to 50% of couples report having some kind of sexual problems at some point during their relationship.[00:07:43 - 00:07:46]
That seems a little low to me personally.[00:07:46 - 00:08:22]
Could be, but that's what this study said. And yet who do they turn to? Well, it's widely reported that a significant proportion of marriage therapists have received limited or no training in human sexuality as part of their education. Even I got that training. In addition, One study by HIP in 2019 showed that about 20 to 30% of marriage therapists report feeling inadequately trained in sexual issues to talk with their clients about.[00:08:23 - 00:08:23]
Wow.[00:08:23 - 00:08:29]
So, yeah, 70 to 80% of therapists don't even feel comfortable talking about it.[00:08:29 - 00:08:32]
Yeah. So that's why you're here.[00:08:33 - 00:08:50]
In my own research, one of the problems that women talked about with betrayal trauma was their lack of knowledge about healthy sexuality. Their core beliefs about sex were influenced by their parents or religious leaders or sexual partners, and even for some, their abusers.[00:08:50 - 00:08:51]
Well, that's sad.[00:08:51 - 00:09:29]
And they called their understanding of sex incomplete. Not true at all. Or male focused. If you're getting your information, ladies, from the magazine rack in the grocery store, or other sources that aren't credible, we are here today to tell you the real secrets to a woman's sexual capacity. Wow, you're getting good at that. So why does all of this matter for couples? Well, I think unlocking the female sexual capacity leads to deeper intimacy.[00:09:30 - 00:09:30]
Indeed.[00:09:30 - 00:09:45]
And stronger relationships and greater fulfillment for both of us. And there's research that shows it also has health benefits, such as improved mood for women, stress release, and even better immunity.[00:09:46 - 00:09:47]
Better immunity.[00:09:47 - 00:09:48]
That's interesting, huh?[00:09:48 - 00:09:51]
Wow, that's great.[00:09:51 - 00:10:07]
So a significant amount of what we're going to be talking about today comes from Dr. Emily Nagowski's book, Come as yous Are. We've mentioned this in other episodes, and her research and her book truly did transform our understanding of female sexuality.[00:10:07 - 00:10:16]
I would love to have Dr. Nagalski come on this podcast. If she's listening, reach out to us, because this book is awesome.[00:10:16 - 00:10:42]
It's. It's pretty likely she's listening to anything. We also refer to a lot of research and ideas that researcher and mentor Dr. Shalom Levitt, who we had on Marriage IQ in episodes 21 and 22, shared with me and taught me. If you want any more details about any research, go to marriage iq. And in our show notes, we will list citations for research that we used. Okay, well, let's talk.[00:10:42 - 00:10:45]
Let's talk a little bit about anatomy.[00:10:46 - 00:10:47]
Female anatomy.[00:10:47 - 00:10:49]
Yeah. So, okay, I come. Great.[00:10:49 - 00:10:53]
Because I. I think a lot of women don't understand their sexual anatomy.[00:10:53 - 00:11:55]
I come from the medical background, and so we. We learn this, we teach this. Did you know that women and men started out looking pretty similar when developing as an embryo? I know that sounds a little weird, but the woman's clitoris is homologous to a man's penis. Her labia majora, or the outer lips, are homologous to the man's scrotum, meaning they both came from the same embryonic cell line. So I know that does sound weird, but the clitoris itself has over 8,000 nerve endings, with thousands more located in the vulva. That's the area of the female that includes the labia, the clitoris, the mons pubis, or the mound, and the vaginal opening. The clitoris will become engorged in blood and become erect when sexually stimulated, similar.[00:11:55 - 00:11:56]
To a penis and.[00:11:56 - 00:12:39]
Or aroused. Some women can be stimulated without being aroused. So we need to make that clear. Thanks to Emily Nagalski. It's about the size of a pea and is protected by folds of skin called the clitoral hood that protects and lubricates it. So let's talk a little bit more about this clitoris. It's the ultimate pleasure organ. Sorry, men. This is more pleasurable than the penis. So we're just jumping into this sexual capacity for. For women. Heidi, let's talk about that a little bit more. The full clitoral structure.[00:12:40 - 00:13:20]
You know, one thing that's really interesting is from the outside, it looks like about the size of a pea, but inside, it looks like a wishbone. And it's about 4 inches long. And just like with a penis, the. The clitoris expands in size during arousal. It extends internally surrounding the vaginal canal, meaning that women have the potential for pleasure that's not just external, but deep within the body. We told you that women have about 8,000 nerve endings within the clitoris. That's double what men have in their penis.[00:13:20 - 00:13:23]
We only have a. We only get about 4,000 men.[00:13:24 - 00:13:41]
Add to that all of the areas of the vulva, and there are thousands and thousands and thousands of more Nerve endings. So women's capacity just on sensitivity based upon their nerves is far, far exceeds what men's is.[00:13:42 - 00:13:42]
Yep.[00:13:43 - 00:14:11]
On top of that, female orgasmic potential is really diverse and multi dimensional because they can have lots of different types of orgasms. They can have clitoral. That's definitely the most common. Vaginal. Not every woman can have vaginal orgasms, but they can have blended orgasms. They can have deep pelvic orgasms and even full body orgasms where their whole body is responding.[00:14:12 - 00:14:17]
You know, I did not know there was more than one way for a man to orgasm.[00:14:17 - 00:14:18]
Is there?[00:14:18 - 00:14:27]
No, not that I know of. So again, female sexual capacity far greater. We're just getting started.[00:14:28 - 00:14:47]
Well, women's bodies have no refractory period either. So men orgasm and then typically need time to recover. After orgasm. They have to wait for hours, sometimes days. But women, on the other hand, can experience multiple orgasms in succession.[00:14:47 - 00:14:49]
Two words, ripoff.[00:14:51 - 00:15:22]
There's no end to pleasure for a woman. If only we could tap into that. Right. This is what our bodies are capable of. But a lot of women don't know what their capacity is, which then we don't tap into our sexual power. So we're inviting you, as you're learning, tap into that. So there are neuroimaging studies also that show female sexual arousal involves a lot more complex interplay within the brain regions way more than men.[00:15:24 - 00:15:26]
That's like, duh.[00:15:28 - 00:15:38]
And especially those parts of the brain that are tied to emotion, memory, and bonding. So emotion would be the limbic system. Memory, that's the hippocampus.[00:15:38 - 00:15:40]
Right. That's part of the limbic system.[00:15:40 - 00:15:43]
So what's the part of the brain that's responsible for bonding?[00:15:43 - 00:15:46]
Bonding, That's. That's from oxytocin, remember?[00:15:46 - 00:16:18]
Yeah, the oxytocin episode. I think that's episode 11, maybe. Research also suggests that women are capable of higher levels of pleasure intensity over longer periods of time compared to men. So we can have more sensitive orgasms. We can have more kinds of orgasm. We can have deeper orgasm. And then now we're also hearing that, yes, women's orgasms can last about four times longer than men's.[00:16:18 - 00:16:28]
All right, this. I'm just gonna stop here and say this one little tidbit of information took, like, hours to find. So I hope you appreciate it.[00:16:28 - 00:16:34]
But thank you for your research on the length of time of women's orgasms compared.[00:16:34 - 00:16:51]
Well, no, it's because the literature is. It's spread all over the place. Like, it's just. And so we're trying to kind of get a general idea of how long a female orgasm lasts. It's, it's going to be up to four times longer.[00:16:51 - 00:16:55]
Okay, so how many seconds do men usually orgasm and how many do women.[00:16:55 - 00:17:05]
So look, looking at the literature again, it's around men, it's, it's, it's more concise. Noticing a trend, it's three to ten seconds roughly.[00:17:06 - 00:17:06]
Okay.[00:17:06 - 00:17:16]
Women's orgasms last again, this is kind of a rough estimate, around 15 to 50 seconds.[00:17:16 - 00:17:16]
Oh.[00:17:16 - 00:17:20]
With one study around about 30 seconds.[00:17:20 - 00:17:46]
Okay. So we've talked in a previous episode about oxytocin. Like we mentioned that it's that connection and cuddle hormone and it's excreted during orgasm. Research also shows that women have significantly more oxytocin than men, which makes the afterglow, that period of time just after sex, very meaningful and fulfilling. More so typically for women than for men.[00:17:46 - 00:17:54]
And that, that is part of the sexual capacity. Right. Even if it's after, it's still pleasure, the climax. It's part of the sex. Yeah.[00:17:54 - 00:18:04]
So women, are you convinced that we are not getting the rip off? We got the better end of the deal on our sexual biology.[00:18:05 - 00:18:16]
Indeed, it's true. There's just no doubt about it, unfortunately. There's just a lot of negativity surrounding that. And I think we're trying to break through some, some ceilings here today.[00:18:17 - 00:18:27]
We are. But women truly are a lot more complex than men, as you mentioned. And that's what makes it a little harder for women to tap into their sexual capacity.[00:18:28 - 00:18:30]
I agree. I think so.[00:18:30 - 00:18:43]
Another way women have greater sexual capacity is that they have sexual flexibility and adaptability. Basically, they can experience desire in a broader range of circumstances.[00:18:44 - 00:18:51]
Every woman is, is truly unique and very individual, whereas men are, you know, we're all pretty much the same when it comes to sex.[00:18:51 - 00:19:23]
Hormonal changes, menstrual cycles, pregnancy, menopause, all of those can shift sexual desire. Interestingly, the middle part of the menstrual cycle, you know that time when you're kind of feeling a little bit crampy, but it's not that time of the month and your breasts are hurting. That's actually when you're ovulating and the egg is being released from the ovary. And along with that ovulation comes this short little burst of testosterone which will increase a woman's desire for sex during that time of the month.[00:19:23 - 00:19:26]
Okay, so be aware of that.[00:19:26 - 00:20:20]
There are studies that show women after marriage or after entering a relationship have Pretty high sexual satisfaction. But then when they give childbirth for about three years after a child is born, their sexual satisfaction takes a big dip. But then it comes back up again. So if there are women listening who are in that time of life and they think they're broken or something, it. It's just that you're having a lot of changes hormonally, you're having a lot of changes with the way that your time is managed with your duties. And it takes time to adapt. That's part of that adaptation that I was talking about. Likewise, for women who are newly sexually active, it typically takes them about two years on average to learn how to orgasm.[00:20:20 - 00:20:20]
I looked that up.[00:20:21 - 00:20:22]
Okay, what did you learn?[00:20:23 - 00:20:33]
About 75% of women, it takes at least one year after they have their sexual debut to start orgasming in a relationship.[00:20:33 - 00:20:34]
I'd heard it was two years with.[00:20:34 - 00:20:46]
Many of them, many of them learning how to orgasm through masturbation. But in a relationship, it takes about a year for about 75% of women.[00:20:46 - 00:22:18]
And for some, it's just automatically easy. That's just. Yes, the way they were built. Women are a lot more likely to experience desire when they feel emotionally close to someone. So flexibility depends on emotional connection. Relationship dynamics are another big player. Desire may emerge based on a partner's attentiveness or support, like scrubbing the toilets, changing the diapers, or the overall health of the relationship. If I think that I'm in a good relationship, my ability to experience desire is going to be a lot higher than if I think I'm in a stinky relationship. All kinds of relationships, friendship, marriage, or even breaking up of relationships can impact a woman's sexual attraction. There are also some social and cultural influences on a woman's ability to feel aroused. And it can also be pretty fluid throughout a woman's lifespan. They include things like exposure to new ideas or different ideas about sexuality. For example, she may have learned that it's a woman's duty to sexually please her husband, but as she starts gaining more understanding of her own sexual agency, she may be interested in her own sexual preferences, not just her husband.[00:22:18 - 00:22:24]
Are you saying that women can change over time and become more interested in sex?[00:22:25 - 00:23:09]
Yes, especially the more they learn about what their capacity is and about female sexual agency. Okay, yeah, it's a powerful thing. I. I suppose men could also learn about that and change some of their thoughts. But I think women come from typically less understanding about sex. And so as they mature and learn more, there's more ground to cover as far as being Adaptive. Women's desire is context dependent. There's a model called the dual control model of women's sexual arousal that was developed by Drs. Bancroft and Sadowski that says women have accelerators and brakes.[00:23:10 - 00:23:15]
Yes, it's all those knobs, guys. Remember, the knobs never switches, only knobs.[00:23:15 - 00:23:39]
The accelerators are turn ons. What ignites desire. Things for women that ignite desire are feeling safe, secure, valued, and again, being emotionally connected. So ladies, hold hands more with your husband, ask him to rub your feet, rub your back, rub your head, whatever. Affectionate touch outside of sexual settings is a really big one.[00:23:39 - 00:23:40]
Non sexual.[00:23:40 - 00:24:02]
If every time you're touching them you're wanting sex, then that becomes a turn off. So snuggles. Right. Non sexual intimacy also includes deep conversations, laughing together, sharing experiences together. Yeah, maybe flowers, music and candlelight are also part of that.[00:24:02 - 00:24:06]
Yes, occasionally, but not all the not all the time.[00:24:06 - 00:24:09]
Changing it up is important for women's context.[00:24:10 - 00:24:12]
Flowers and chocolates every day.[00:24:12 - 00:24:25]
No, no. The second part of this model is the brakes. And the brakes are the turn offs. So what inhibits sexual arousal in women? Want to take some guesses?[00:24:25 - 00:24:28]
Well, stress, anxiety.[00:24:28 - 00:24:33]
Yep. That's huge shame about a woman's own.[00:24:33 - 00:24:35]
Body, how she feels about her body.[00:24:35 - 00:24:55]
Yeah, which we just did an episode on very recently. Yes, disconnection. Feeling disconnected from each other. So maybe there's been a fight. Maybe one of us has emotionally cut off the other one for whatever reason. All of those things throw big buckets of water on sexual desire.[00:24:55 - 00:24:58]
How about feeling pressured or duty sex?[00:24:59 - 00:25:02]
Yeah, well, they do it, but very little desire comes with that.[00:25:02 - 00:25:04]
So that's the breaks. Right.[00:25:04 - 00:25:13]
A lot of times when it's duty sex, women's heads will be somewhere totally else, not in the the act of sex.[00:25:13 - 00:25:17]
I didn't hear you say anything about children being nearby as a break for women.[00:25:18 - 00:25:38]
So glad you brought that up. Yeah, that's a big one. Let me add to that reactive thinking. So if I'm letting my emotions and. And emotional reactivity get the best of me over anything that's happened, whether it has something to do with you or not, that will also inhibit sexual desire.[00:25:38 - 00:25:39]
So. Okay.[00:25:39 - 00:25:46]
Another thing that impacts a woman's sexual capacity is her biggest sex organ of all. Do you know what it is?[00:25:47 - 00:25:48]
The brain.[00:25:48 - 00:26:06]
The brain? Yep. Women's sexual response is deeply connected to the brain, making mental and emotional stimulation just as important as physical touch. So how do you stimulate a woman mentally and how do you stimulate a woman emotionally?[00:26:07 - 00:26:43]
Well, I only know how to stimulate one woman and that is deep connection. Yeah, it's, I think, being. Feeling heard, feeling supported. And I have never had a time where doing the dishes did not end up with something. No, that's probably not true. But I mean, it. It doing the dishes, what can I say?[00:26:45 - 00:26:49]
Even when we gaze deep in each other's eyes, that's emotional connection.[00:26:49 - 00:26:50]
Yeah.[00:26:51 - 00:27:03]
We're telling each other things we love about each other. Yeah, Deep mental stimulation, too. And I think you're really smart. Maybe that triggers something in my brain that tells me you're going to protect me.[00:27:03 - 00:27:07]
So you think I'm hot if I talk about intellectual things, yes.[00:27:07 - 00:27:10]
Unless it's talking about global warming.[00:27:11 - 00:27:12]
Okay, well, we'll get off that one.[00:27:13 - 00:27:22]
And we know, like we've said, that women's sexuality is not weaker, it's just different. And it requires the right conditions to flourish.[00:27:23 - 00:27:31]
So with all this information, how do we then start maximizing female sexual capacity?[00:27:32 - 00:28:07]
Well, again, understand that dual control model. The brakes and the. And the gas, what turns them on? What turns them off? What turns you on? Women, what turns you off. And try to reduce the brakes and increase the gas, increase those accelerators. I think it's important, too, to reframe sexual pleasure as an ongoing exploration that we're continuing to learn together. It's not just a goal of orgasm, but the goal can be learning as a woman what feels good, learning what gets you going up the. The hill of desire and arousal.[00:28:08 - 00:28:11]
So being curious. Yeah, that is insight, folks.[00:28:11 - 00:28:17]
Okay, so here's a really important thing. Foreplay is not optional.[00:28:17 - 00:28:18]
What?[00:28:18 - 00:28:19]
It's required.[00:28:20 - 00:28:21]
Oh, it's always required.[00:28:22 - 00:28:32]
So women's arousal takes much longer to build up. I think research shows anywhere between 12 and 20 minutes.[00:28:32 - 00:28:33]
That sounds about right.[00:28:33 - 00:29:03]
Look back at our episode 22 called Six Minutes. That's a really important one to go along with this. But women's arousal takes time, but it also leads to greater intensity and satisfaction. Indeed, learning about healthy sexuality is. Is really vital for having better desire. Just understanding that healthy sex is sex where agency is prioritized.[00:29:03 - 00:29:26]
Okay, let's talk about some myths, ladies and gentlemen, and bust some of them. Today, society often portrays men as having the greater sexual drive and capacity. But research as we talked about today, shows the women's sexual capacity is actually greater than a man's sexual capacity when.[00:29:26 - 00:29:29]
It is fully understood and implemented.[00:29:31 - 00:30:40]
Another myth. Women aren't as sexually satisfied by climaxing as men are. Untrue. Women rate orgasm ability as the number one factor in female sexual satisfaction. Now, a lot of things go into that orgasm happening like deep intimate conversations, support, protection, safety, consent, consent, etc. Etc. That go into prior to that orgasm. But being able to orgasm in a relationship is the number one factor in female sexual satisfaction. That's Frederick et al. 2017 and Lenart at al. 2018 and 23. So the truth is men experience orgasms more reliably than women do. This is the truth. It's called the orgasm gap. Men orgasm about 80 to 95% of the time that they have sex. Women again, all over the place people, but somewhere around 40 to 60% depending on their age. Etc.[00:30:41 - 00:30:49]
But again, it takes time to learn how to orgasm. The, the contextual experience has to be just right. So there's a reason for the gap.[00:30:49 - 00:31:03]
Yes, yes, there's a lot of reason and I wanted to put that in, but it's too big for this, this episode. So we will have to talk about it later. But remember, women can experience multiple orgasms without a refractory period.[00:31:03 - 00:31:03]
Right.[00:31:04 - 00:31:06]
While men typically need that refractory period.[00:31:06 - 00:31:07]
Yep.[00:31:08 - 00:32:06]
Another myth, the orgasm gap we just talked about that exists between men and women means that women have lower overall sexual satisfaction than men. That's not true. Again, women tend to they're sexually satisfied in relationships, committed relationships at the same level as men as far regarding orgasms. So they may have fewer of them, but if you ask them their opinion, they are just as sexually satisfied as their husbands. That doesn't necessarily mean how many times do they orgasm. Whereas men. It might mean more. There's different meanings. Even though women do have, generally speaking, fewer orgasms per sexual episode than men. Another myth. Women can increase their orgasm frequency through masturbation and having multiple sexual partners. This is not supported.[00:32:06 - 00:32:06]
No.[00:32:06 - 00:32:28]
Kula et al. 2016. This is a big study. In Finland, the keys to their more frequent orgasms lay in mental and relationship factors. And I'm quoting this. These factors and capacities include orgasm importance, sexual desire, sexual self esteem and openness of sexual communication with their spouse.[00:32:29 - 00:32:33]
Not the number of partners or masturbation that increase that.[00:32:33 - 00:32:41]
No. Their frequency increases by having one person open communication with one about sex long term.[00:32:41 - 00:32:42]
About anything.[00:32:42 - 00:33:27]
Yes, with one long term spouse. That is what will increase that frequency. Another myth. Women with multiple sexual partners are more sexually satisfied than those with only one partner. This is not supported either. No sexual satisfaction is greater in married women than single women. Another myth. Women generally have lower libido or sex drive than men. Be careful with this people. I hear this all over the place when we talk about higher versus lower desire, partner and Heidi, you talked about this earlier, that it's different. It's different. It's, it's defined differently.[00:33:28 - 00:33:30]
It's not spontaneous, it's contextual.[00:33:30 - 00:34:30]
We need to look at all the parameters of what defines the word desire. For example, a man may wake up in the morning with sex on the brain. He may go to work with sex on the brain. He may come home, get ready and go to bed with sex on the brain. Pretty simple. A woman may wake up in the morning and go throughout her entire day without thinking of sex at all. But notices throughout the day how her husband had made the bed that morning. He went to work, came home, he made dinner, he complimented her hair, and then he rubs her feet. Then later that evening, she notices that when he touches her in a more sexual way, that sex drive now shoots through the roof above even a lot of times her husband's sex drive.[00:34:30 - 00:34:45]
So let's talk about some main points from what we've talked about today. Women's sexual capacity is greater than men's in multiple ways. In pleasure potential, in adaptability, in multi orgasmic ability and insensitivity.[00:34:45 - 00:34:46]
Length of time too.[00:34:47 - 00:35:37]
When the right conditions are met, it leads to greater sexual fulfillment. Emotional connection and self awareness are key to unlocking full potential. So here's a call to action then for you ladies. What can you do as an individual this week? Find one takeaway that you learned today and share it with your spouse. Something that surprised you, something new that you learned with this information. How can you now maximize your own female sexual capacity? And what can you do as a couple this week? Try having a conversation with your spouse about your sexual needs and what enhances or inhibits your personal arousal. If you don't know, experiment a little bit and figure it out.[00:35:38 - 00:36:06]
That will be an interesting time. That goes back to our four cornerstones. Which are the four cornerstones we touched on today. Well, all of them, but I think with identity it's what is my sexual identity? Who am I as a sexual being? Some questions to ask ourselves. Insight. Realizing that I'm not broken. I have untapped sexual potential. That is powerful. Well, you do, not me.[00:36:07 - 00:36:09]
But you need to know about it.[00:36:09 - 00:36:23]
Yes, I need to know about this. As your husband and intimacy as a couple. We are just scratching the surface of realizing your sexual capacity as a woman in context with our sexual capacity.[00:36:24 - 00:36:35]
We're really glad you joined us today. You can watch for us on Instagram and Facebook and follow us there to keep the conversation going and have a great week. Thanks everybody.[00:36:36 - 00:36:44]
And remember the intelligent spouse knows that to change from a stinky to a scintillating marriage first requires a change in themselves.[00:36:45 - 00:37:02]
Thank you for joining us on Marriage iq. We hope today's episode sparked some great insights, but why stop here? Stay connected and keep the momentum going. Follow Marriage IQ on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn, and YouTube for more great content on this topic.[00:37:02 - 00:37:13]
Head over to MarriageIQ.com to grab your free ebook on building a scintillating marriage and subscribe to our newsletter for exclusive tips, updates, and resources.[00:37:13 - 00:37:22]
Invite your family and friends to join the Marriage IQ community. Keep exploring and we'll catch you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.
